She Wants To Write

[jessicagallagher]

Originally published at constant-casualty.net. You can comment here or there.

I came across my leather-bound journal while searching for stray Benadryl pills the other night in my night stand drawer.  If I had a nickel for every journal I have half-filled with entries, and then tossed aside - forgotten, I’d have… well, probably less than a dollar.  But definitely more than twenty five cents.

Curious, I opened it up and read the only two entries that were ever written in it.  I bought it not too long before Simon came here last June.  It was kind of amusing to read how I was feeling and what I was thinking the months before Simon’s arrival.  I had no idea what was going to come of our visit (ok, so maybe I had some idea…) and I was so nervous.  The last entry, I wrote:

“…I wonder what I’ll be doing a year from now?  Will he still be with me?  Will we be happily living on our own?  I REALLY hope so… Let me know sometime, ok?…”

I was smiling when the next entry I was able to write included the fact that Simon and I may not be happily living on our own, but we are happily married and never have to be apart ever again.  I want to write more.  I am making a point to keep this journal with me at all times so if the urge comes, I have an outlet.  Part of me wants to re-post entries that I write in my journals on here, but then my writing begins to have a purpose, and I think that is what keeps me from really writing just to write, and I need that.  I need the freedom to be able to say what I want to say and not worry about grammar or spelling or paragraphs or how witty I sound.  Sometimes I get so caught up in how an entry will look to an on-looker that I don’t even get out what’s in my heart.

I’m thinking of doing a weekly thing.  I don’t know what yet… but I want something to motivate and inspire me to write here.  Something more than just the same old shit.  I’m sure reading about how much work sucks and I feel crappy gets tiresome after a while.  I just don’t know what I want to do.  Once I thought I wanted to base entries on quotes.  Have a quote (whether it be from books or movies or songs) and kind of elaborate on what it means to me, or how it makes me feel or why I decided to share it.  Or maybe something like memories.  Sharing a memory every week.  Something to really get me to feel and express something rather than just type… But I have no idea what would even be worth doing.

What do you think?  Would you be interested in even reading something like that?  Or do you have an idea that sounds better?  I want to know.

Now I think I may write in my journal.