jessicagallagher | Recent Entries

Yesterday, I witnessed a car flip on the highway.

Yesterday, I was texting while driving, zipping between lanes on the way home on the highway.

Yesterday, I pulled over my car on the shoulder of the highway, and — along with about 20 other people — risked our own safety to run and help the woman and her toddler stuck in the car.

Yesterday, I stood with a handful of strangers as we pushed on the car's hood and held it up while we tried to pull the windshield out to get the mother and her child to safety.

Yesterday, I walked away once I knew they were alright and the police had showed up. I climbed back into my car, looked at my phone on the passenger seat, and started to cry.

I don't know if I believe in a heaven or a hell or a god or a devil. But I damn well sure believe in signs. And something, someone, somewhere had wanted to make it perfectly clear that I need to stop with that terrifyingly dangerous habit.

I don't know if she was texting while driving. I didn't even know she was going the opposite way on the highway northbound and overcorrected her steering when trying to change lanes, which is how she ended up flipping her car all the way to the southbound side of the highway where I was driving. I didn't know any of that, because I was too busy texting. I looked up just in time to see her car flipping to a stop right in front of me, and she could have been dead, and I could have been dead if she continued to flip into the highway and in front of my lane.

I stopped and I helped and I watched as people filmed us with their phones while we tried to get them out to safety. We all were shaken up and scared and worried and proud to be the “good guys” for once. But I left when the police came. I got into my car and I felt so guilty and so scared and so jarred about what had just happened.

I did not admit to anyone what I was doing when this unfolded. I feel so heavily guilty about it, and ashamed and so I am admitting it to myself, in words, right here to remind myself.

Yesterday, I could have died.

Yesterday, that could have been me.

First and foremost... Happy birthday, Aunt Kathie. She would have been 71 today. I can't believe that, because 71 seems so old for an aunt, and she seemed so young when she died. She was young when she died. October is always an emotional month. Aunt Kathie's birthday, my birthday, and then her not-so-long awaited death on Halloween morning. She said she wanted to make it to Halloween, because it was her favorite. She died before sunrise on the 31st. It's been, what... six years? I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I guess those kinds of memories never really leave you.

I still have her voicemail. A few weeks before she left us, mom had Aunt Kathie call her and leave a voicemail on her phone. She wanted to keep it so she would never forget her voice. Then, mom called me and told me she was with Aunt Kathie and she wanted to do the same thing for me, so not to answer the phone when she called again.

www.jessicagallagher.com/spark/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/auntkathievoicemail.wav

“Hi hun. It's aunt Kath. Number 269... Oh let me go back. Hi Honey! Number 203-269-4994. This is my stairway to heaven number. Anytime you want to get me just give me a ring. Okay... I love you with all my heart... and... I'll catch up with you one of these days. Bye sweetie.”

It's been so many years, and every time I listen to this I immediately just break down. It makes me smile and hurt so much all at the same time. Her voice will never leave me, and I love that I have this of her.

This wasn't the original intent for this post, but now I feel raw and a little out of focus, so I'll just leave it at that for now.

I've been on Geodon since Monday. I was wondering how I could tell if it was “working” or not. With Saphris I noticed a really odd sensation, which I had originally described as a side effect.

I was on my way to work, listening to my usual playlist when I realized that I kept driving nearly the speed limit. Which – for me – is a serious oddity. Normally I'm a speed demon. Then I noticed that the music I was listening to was... slower. The tempo didn't seem as fast, and I could understand the lyrics more clearly, where they usually seemed very speedy and pushed together.

When I described this to Nancy, she grinned. “It's not a side effect. It sounds like your body is... catching up to itself. Like your life isn't speeding by you so much.” When I told Alison the same realization, she had a similar reaction. She told me this was wonderful news, and it was a perfect way to describe how the medication works.

When I switched over to Geodon I was worried I wouldn't notice a difference anymore. The sensation was weird, to say the least, but it comforted me knowing there was some kind of... measurement to the medication's success. But, this morning on my way into work I noticed the same sensation with the music. So, I guess it's doing its job.

I also woke up nearly an hour and a half earlier than my alarm. For two days in a row. Not in the “Ugh, I am so tired, but I can't get comfortable and sleep, so I may as well just get up” kind of awakening, either. I woke up, rolled over and realized the time and then after a few moments I felt like “Okay. It's time to start my day.” For me, this is almost unheard of. I live for the extra moments in bed.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I was listening to some feel-good music, and enjoying the beautiful fall foliage that is sprouting everywhere. It was my Avon day, so I was doing my back-roads journey home. It was almost sunset... that Golden Hour. Everything just seemed so picturesque... And then I passed a father on a tractor with his young son on his lap, his hands on the steering wheel, waiting for the traffic to pass so they could cross the street. He was so happy, that boy. I could see his excitement, even from just passing by.

I smiled. I kept smiling as I kept driving... and then all of a sudden, I started to cry. Happy, content, this-world-is-kind-of-amazing tears. In that moment, in my car, on that road, with that music, and that sunset... I was actually content. I couldn't think of one thing that could touch me in that moment. I haven't had a moment like that in I don't even know how long.

Here's to more of those moments.

Originally published at A Tiny Spark. You can comment here or there.

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.”
- Shakti Gawain

The world has been testing me lately… Things have been mighty bumpy in my life – both big and small – and I get the distinct feeling that it’s just a part of some big test to show how much I’ve grown in these past few months.

The above quote was from my latest therapy session, and – as always – it seems so fitting for what’s been going on lately. Kind of like the toilet overflowing on me at work last week was a perfect analogy of how the world was treating me the last few days. Thankfully, I don’t cry over spilled milk (or shit, come to find out).

Along with getting some aggression out in my paper journal (hello, word vomit!), I also had an amazingly wonderful Sunday taking photos of my favorite family in a beautiful park, and sharing a coffee with an old friend. Life immediately got better. Funny how that works.

Even though last week left me feeling like curling up in a hole and hiding out for a decade or two (Let’s just say an entire crowd of early-morning Starbucks customers got to see my pretty purple see through panties clad with a pad), if nothing else, it showed me how much I’ve changed in the last few months. My therapist was mighty impressed by me, and I have her to thank for it all.

Split pants or not, I am woman – hear me roar.

I am trying to do anything but work today. And that includes sitting on my phone and reading emails and Livejournal entries. Because my allergies are trying to kill me. And so is my PMS.

My body hates me.

Posted via Vita for iPhone.

Current Mood: Exhausted

Why must you do this to me?!?

This show is so addictive and frustrating all at once.

( spoiler alert... )

Current Mood: Frustrated!!

It's been so long since I've blogged. I realized this when I couldn't even remember what my blog looked like.

The other night my dear friend cloudwoven emailed me a link to her recent LJ entry, which pretty much just said I need to get my ass back on here. I promised her I would write this weekend, and so here I am.

I really don't even have that much to say, sadly. My life has become one big, long, sad rerun of "Groundhog Day". Work, home, sleep, repeat.

Things That Have Happened Recently
1. I lost my grandfather. After a long battle with cancer, my grandfather finally decided it was time to leave on July 1st. He would have been 90-years old on August 13th. He would have been married 69 years on August 29th. But he was tired. He fought a good fight.
So, not even a year after losing his second child (my aunt) to the same disease, he passed away. In ways it wasn't as hard to deal with as my aunt's death, simply because he had lived such a long, fulfilling life... But at the same time, he was my last grandfather, and I can't imagine a world without him in it. I visited him at the hospital the day before he passed. The doctors had told the family that we would probably want to see him soon. He was already drifting in and out of consciousness by the time I had gotten there. Lots of family were just sitting around, talking and remembering. Every once in a while talking to Gramp, touching his foot and making sure he was ok. He didn't really respond. It didn't even look like him anymore. In a week, he had deteriorated into some old, fragile man that I didn't know. My grandmother sat by his side while everyone conversed and just stared at him. Her hand on his, just waiting.
I was the last one he spoke to. I had to leave, and so I had walked over to kiss him on the forehead and tell him I loved him. I leaned in and yelled "it's Jessie Gramp. I'm going to leave now, ok? I love you." he didn't even open his eyes or move, except for his lips. I could barely make the words out, but I knew what he was saying. "I love you too."
It wasn't until the next morning when I got the call from my mother... And I knew before I answered what she was calling for. I had dreamed about this moment since his health had gone downhill. I answered the phone and just said "Hi..." It was silent for a moment and then I heard my mother's voice with all the strain and tears that I knew I would hear... And she just said "He's gone." and that's when she told me that I was the last one he spoke to. He never came out of the coma again after I had left.

2. We adopted kittens. on the brighter side of things, as you saw from my previous posts, the kittens have grown and we gave away all except two of them: Mr. Waffles & Lady Socks. My grandmother adopted one of the boys after Gramp had passed, which I was insanely happy about. She named him Chester, because her and Gramp had land up in Chester, Vermont all when my mother was growing up, and because they live on Chester Lane. Waffles and Socks definitely keep us our toes, climbing the drapes and attacking our toes in the middle of the night. But we do love them dearly. That means that we now have six cats, seven birds and a ten pound rabbit. Just call us the Gallagher Petting Zoo.

3. I went on vacation! leahcreates and I had been wanting to have a girls getaway for a while, and we had decided to take a long weekend vacation to the Cape. I hadn't been there in years and I really missed the ocean. It was wonderful and beautiful and I want to go back right now.

4. I walked away from Twitter. Which sounds like such a stupid "event" to log, but it had become such a huge part of my life that giving it up seemed like such a big deal. It's only been two weeks, but I honestly don't miss it much. Maybe it will give me more of a reason to write.

5. I am starting therapy again. After probably six or so years, I've decided to go back to therapy. The reasoning for this will be a blog post for another day, but my first appointment is tomorrow and I'm both excited and nervous about the outcome.

And there you have it. My summer in a nutshell.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Because

angrr has been begging, I'll post some kitty videos for your viewing (and squeeing) pleasure. I've been taking a bunch of random, pointless videos of these moving piles of fluff over the past few days because sometimes pictures just don't do them justice.

Current Mood: curious

Another kitten update! Day 4 brings nothing new to report. Kittens are still all fumbles and furriness... Nothing but eating and sleeping, but oh how cute they are even doing that!! Mama seems quite happy with them. I find it highly amusing when I hold one of the tiny little guys and when they start to meow, mama comes walking over - quite calmly - sniffs at her baby, and proceeds to pick them up by the scruff right from my hands and trot them back to her carrier.

Can't wait until they open their eyes and start to walk around. I am literally dying from anticipation!!

Current Mood: giddy

The kittens have arrived!!!

After what seems like forever, this morning was the special day. For the past week, every night when I got home from work I would throw my bag down, run upstairs and open the door to the library and look for babies. No such luck. Just a big, fat, tired mama laying in the middle of the floor looking at me expectantly. Every morning when my husband would wake me up, I would say - before fully even opening my eyes - "Go check on mama!" I would hear him walk down the hallway, open the door and say "...Nope, she's still fat."

But today. Today was different. And I knew it would be. I had a feeling.

This morning I woke up and did my morning routine of demanding my husband to check on the cat. I heard him open the door, pause and then say "...I don't see her..." That's all it took for me to jump out of bed - stark naked - and rush past him into the library. We looked around... Where was she?!?! Then I bent down and looked in the oversized carrier I had set up with sheets and blankets in it for her when she decided to let those babies out of her belly.

And there she was... With six babies!

"WE HAVE KITTENS!" I yelled. She got excited and came walking out, the last kitten still dangling from her lady parts, not even fully out of her yet.

I grabbed my cell phone and started snapping photos, even though they were mostly too dark to see anything. I immediately dialed my mom. It was only 5:20am. After a few rings, she picked up very sleepily - I had obviously woken her up. "WE HAVE KITTENS!" (I think I have overused this saying plenty today, honestly.)

It was about five minutes later, upon taking a closer look, that I noticed one of the babies wasn't moving. I poked at it... Still nothing. I picked it up... and it was stiff. The poor thing was still-born. I held him in my hands and looked at his little baby face and wanted to cry. I know we saved the lives of five potentially-healthy kittens, but my heart felt heavy with the loss of this little furry life.

We buried him tonight in a shoe box under our baby weeping cherry tree. It seemed fitting. We marked it with a big stone to remember where he will stay. Poor little baby.

This little guy (I keep calling them all "guys" even though I have yet to identify what they are) kept finding his way out of the carrier, away from mama and kept getting lost. He was meowing and screeching away every time I picked him up to put him back inside. He's going to be a wild one, I fear.

A midst the excitement of being a new kitty-mommy, I also was informed that my grandfather - who has been suffering from lung cancer that has returned to him at least three times over the past five years, and shall be 90 next month - was admitted to the hospital with blood clots in his lungs, and the lung cancer growing again. As much as it pains me, I almost want him to go. I want him to be at peace. He's been fighting so much and is suffering so greatly lately. I just want him to be happy again. I want him to go see his son and daughter, who he's lost to the same damning disease.

So... today has been filled with ups and downs - almost to the extreme - but I am thankful for being able to have the happy along with the sad. It makes life worth living.

Current Mood: grateful

I can't tell you how happy I am to have internet again. We've spent the last one and a half years "borrowing" our neighbor's unsecured wireless that literally sucked donkey balls. There were days when it was ok, but then they'd decide to download something and we were screwed. Loading a website took forever and usually ended up in losing connection.

We had basic cable for a while, until about three months ago the channels started dwindling as they changed over to digital cable. As of about three weeks ago we lost every channel.

Let me tell you, living without cable AND internet feels like I went and moved out into Amish-Land. The tragedies, I swear.

Still no kittens. Poor mama is getting so big and can't even walk very well. She spends all day laying on her side and sleeping. I really hope these little guys come out soon because I'm ready to induce labor. I have an ice cream scoop. I can do it.

Other than that? Nothing worth talking about.

In fact, I'm so distracted by the pretty pictures on tv that I think I'm going to go.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: "Something About You" - All-4-One

WHERE ARE YOU BABY KITTENS?!?!?!

Seriously. You can arrive any day now. The stress of thinking you're getting eaten by your father while I'm stuck selling flowers to cranky old ladies is beginning to create ulcers in my tummy.

Plus I really want to see your cute faces.

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: United States, Connecticut, Fairfield

There really isn't anything new to report, sadly. I was hoping by now I would be able to post pictures of little baby kittens and rave about how absolutely adorable they are. Alas, Phoenix is still one big fat mama. I have no doubt she's going to burst at any moment. The other night we visited her in her room, and I could see the babies moving around in her belly. When I placed my hand on it, one of them actually kicked me! The frisky little things. I can't wait to meet them. I know we will be getting rid of most - if not all - of them once they're ready to separate from mama, but I am going to have a hard time not naming them all and falling in love with them.

I have almost officially decided that Skyspun.org will be the landing-page for the rest of my online projects. Thanks to

angrr for that suggestion, because it didn't even dawn on me! I'm looking forward to blogging more here and being a part of more photography communities. I'm getting my inspiration back, and I think that's the most important thing.

I'm sitting at work at the moment and completely procrastinating, which is something I've been doing for the past week. I have lost my will and motivation to actually work, which I blame on the nice weather and lack of organization I have here. I'm hoping that when I get my iPad (I'm hoping by next month!) I will be more inspired to be organized and on top of things.

And with that, the boss came back, so I must get back to looking busy.

Current Mood: drained

I'm thinking of closing down skyspun.org and just keeping my journal here. With the idea of starting up my portfolio and photoblog over at Arista Photography soon, and the fact that I am lately feeling the pressure of updating something at Skyspun just because I'm paying for it so I should be updating... It just feels like more trouble than it's worth.

Do you think people will follow me and read my blog here? Maybe I could just make my domain forward over to this for a while. I don't know. I just need to focus. And it's hard to focus on things when I'm spread all over the damn internet.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: "If You Leave" - OMD

The last few weekends I've been battling the worst allergies known to man, but this morning I woke up and my voice started to fade and my nose was completely blocked, so I'm beginning to wonder if this is more than allergies and maybe a cold. That would just be my luck. The last two Tuesdays I've called in sick to work because of this. JUST GO AWAY ALREADY.

I have nothing new to report, because my life is the same old thing, so I shall leave you with this gorgeous photo I took of Phoenix, our pregnant mama-stray cat. I love the movement of her fur:

Current Mood: sick

Upon searching through a slew of Livejournal layout templates, it has come to my attention that I have officially gotten to be an old woman. Why do they make all the fonts so freaking SMALL?! Granted I don't have my glasses on, and I'm on my laptop... But still. Good lord, girls. I feel like I need a magnifying glass to read your entries. Le sigh.

Today is a lounge-around day. I was supposed to go meet up for coffee with two beautiful and wonderful ladies from Twitter this afternoon, but after the drama that ensued on Friday evening, I decided that I should stay home with Simon and spend some quality time with him. Lately I've been packing my weekends full of things to do with friends while leaving him stranded at home to putter around with his car. My mother made a comment the other day about how Simon needs to put a lasso around me to keep me home, and that I don't ALWAYS have to have something to do on weekends. Which is partially true.

I really have nothing else to report or write about. Life has been pretty boring as of late. Which is sort of nice. I'm done with drama for a while. I think I might go take a nap now.

You should go check out

ljremix and join. It's a great writing/livejournal community that

cloudwoven started.

Current Mood: sad

"Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved."

- Unknown

Current Mood: blank

A few months ago I felt victim to a bout of stupidity and general dumbass-ness, and had ended up cheating on my beloved husband, who I could never imagine hurting. It was one of the most heart-wrenching, tragic things I have gone through in a very long time. Thankfully, he was amazing enough to forgive me and accept my mistake, and we both decided to move on and be stronger for it. Everything has been going wonderfully up until today.

I have a tendency of being too nice. I like to try and help the needy and fix the broken. Simon says that most men in my life are only there to try and "get in my pants" and I lead them on. It is most certainly not intentional... I just am too nice.

There was a certain person who I befriended on Twitter recently who became friendly with me over the past week or so. He was having problems in his current relationship and sounded like he needed a friend. I honestly didn't think anything of it until today when Simon got in the car after I picked him up from work.

"Why am I getting messages on Twitter from some woman that says you and her husband have been Direct Messaging on Twitter and that your number is on his cell, and you are trying to meet up with him?" I was shocked. What?! My mind started reeling. Who the hell did I know that would even have a wife that would do that? After some poking and prodding online, I realized that it was said friend's girlfriend. Or wife. I have no idea.

All I know is that now I have a husband who is suspicious that I may be having another affair, and am now "secretly texting" with random men I meet on Twitter. I would like to clear this up right now:

No, I am not having an affair. I do not "secretly" text male friends. And I am most certainly not trying to "meet up" with any of them. If I was going to hang out with any friend, my husband is well aware of it. I am quite happy in my relationship and would not do anything to destroy that. We have just finished getting past an ugly situation and I would be damned if this Twitter Drama is going to backtrack everything that we have become.

I love my husband. I care about my friends. And I am sorry if anything that I said or did was misconstrued as "coming onto" any of them or was out of line. It was not my intention. If you were the one who mentioned this to my husband, please know that I meant no harm and I'm sorry if your husband misled you. I don't want him. Nor do I want any trouble from you.

And with that, I take a break from Twitter. Simon doesn't think I'll last a week, but I need a break. It's becoming a bit of an obsession and it's just not worth it. My marriage is much more important to me than anything else.

Current Mood: distressed

As a part of

ljremix's first prompt of the week here, things that were both (or either) awkward and awesome over this past week.

Somehow I feel like this entire week was awkward. But the most awkward of moments would have to be the fact that we let our manager go at the shop. He has been with us for a few years now, but my boss decided he wanted to cut back. The awkward thing was that he started to fire the guy three months ago.

At first his last day was supposed to be April 1st. That came and went, and then it was going to be the end of April. After May started, it was "We will keep him through Mother's Day, and his last day with be the 27th." Fast forward to the 27th (which was a Friday) and it was decided he would work that Saturday, Sunday and Monday... and then his last day would be Tuesday.

I was so thankful that I ended up not being there Tuesday (where they threw him a 'going away' party and had lunch. WTF?!), but when I came in Wednesday, it was brought to my attention that he would be coming in to get his last paycheck and talk to our boss. He came in... AND SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY THERE. Just hanging out! He was telling people what to do still like he was still working there, and just observing us "falling apart" because he wasn't in charge. He ended up telling our boss that he would work for the next couple of days for free because "we were so busy and he didn't have other plans." My boss kind of asked me what I thought, and I nearly bitch-slapped him. His comment to me was "Yeah, that would be kind of awkward right?" I nearly yelled "IT'S BEEN AWKWARD FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS." Jimminy CHRISTMAS.

As for the awesome... Well the first thing that comes to mind is seeing "Bridesmaids" with cloudwoven! It was so much fun and I can't even believe how funny the movie was. I couldn't help but be reminded of our friendship through the whole thing, because honestly - we are just as goofy and nutty as they are. Minus the throwing up from food poisoning and shitting in the street part.

And this...

Current Mood: lethargic

So I've decided to move on from Star_Crush.

It's been nice being here, but I needed a fresh start. Since

cloudwoven asked me to be a part of her new LJ project

ljremix I decided a new home was in order. We would LOVE for you to join.

Whether you decide to be a part of the project or not, I would love for you to follow me to my new home:

skyspun <-- friend me so I can friend you back! A lot of it is going to be friends only, because it's going to be a bit more personal than my blog posts at skyspun.org.

Hope to see you there.

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Jessica Gallagher

October 2016

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from a tiny spark

may burst a mighty flame

Recent Entries

10.12.16

10.12.16

10.07.16

Small Changes

Working Stiff

True Blood

Gone missing

Kitty Videos

Day 4

WE HAVE KITTENS!

Back To Life

What the Eff.

SSDD

Possibly...

Sniffles

Miniscule

To Love & Be Loved

EVERYTHING IS DRAMA.

Awkward & Awesome!

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